dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
