Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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