remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
