your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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