She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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