just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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