just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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