Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
