Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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