in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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