Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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