I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
These tits shall not be calmed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize