He uses pillows to masturbate.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
