I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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