my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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