I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize