I met the friendliest cop last night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So much rum. So many feels.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
