something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Damn victory sex feels great
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
