I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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