9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
