So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
