so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Randomize
