Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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