they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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