if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hippo gnu deer
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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