Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
