how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
