I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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