Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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