Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
