I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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