onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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