Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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