i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
