Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
