on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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