Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she peed on how many people?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
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