Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
