On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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