There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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