I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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