WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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