You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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