when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
