can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
