I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
