Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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