just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
