i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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