Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The Olympian is in my bed
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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