a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
