when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
