Whats the count minus fat chicks?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
