My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
