im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize