I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
