How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
