New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
